Government

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night."

So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?"

So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?"

So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people.

One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?"

So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"

So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

Say no to drugs.

Something to post on your local bulletin...

Parent of the year awards finalist

Getting the livestock involved this weekend

Communication

Judge Jeffries was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asks, 'What exactly are the grounds for your divorce?'

Amy replied, 'Approximately four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.'

'No,' Judge Jeffries continued, 'I mean what is the foundation of this case?'
'It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,' responded Amy promptly.

'I mean,' he sighed, 'What are your relations like?'
'Ah well, I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents.'

Judge Jeffries asked, 'Do you have a real grudge?'
'No, we haven't,' Amy replied, 'We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.'

'Please,' Judge Jeffries took a deep breath and tried again, 'is there any infidelity in your marriage?'
'Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes,' smiled Amy.

'Ma'am,' Judge Jeffries raised his voice, 'does your husband ever beat you up?'
'Oh yes,' Amy responded, 'about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.'

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, 'Lady, why do you want a divorce?'
'Oh, I don't want a divorce,' Amy replied. 'I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me.'

Hilarious military photo

I always carry a rifle and a cookie to the shower....

Office Ninja

Notice

Hilarious

Failed Inventions

-- The water-proof towel
-- Glow in the dark sunglasses
-- Solar powered flashlights
-- Submarine screen doors
-- A book on how to read
-- Inflatable dart boards
-- A dictionary index
-- Powdered water
-- Pedal-powered wheel chairs
-- Waterproof tea bags
-- Zero proof alcohol
-- Reuseable ice cubes
-- See-through toilet tissue
-- Skinless bananas
-- Turnip ice cream
-- Toe implants
-- Rolls Royce pickup truck
-- Helicopter Ejector Seat

Owww........

Worst football play ever

This has been circulating the internet and you may have
seen it already, but it is too funny not to post.

You will never be this cool

Ummm........ok

More bike skills

How does he do it?

When your blood alcohol level exceeds your IQ.....

Funny sucker punch

Funny dog

Kick Fail

This guys face alone is hilarious

Hmmm......

Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.

If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.

If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.

He makes $7,415/hour more than minimum wage.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.

If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $200 every second.

He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.

He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100-meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.

This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn't it?

However...

If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 500 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has at this very moment.

Game over. Nerd wins.

Hilarious Fail

Wasted effort

Crazy but awesome

Honesty

My teacher asked what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was a chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders". Guess where I am now...

Funny . gif of the day.