Reminds me of our government.

There is an old story of a scientist who studied frogs. One day, the scientist put a frog on the ground and told it to jump. The frog jumped four feet.
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with four feet, jumps four feet."
The scientist continued to cut off each leg, logging "Frog with three feet, jumps three feet.", "Frog with two feet, jumps two feet." and "Frog with one foot, jumps one foot." respectively. Then the scientist cut off his last leg.
"He said, "Jump frog JUMP!"
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with no feet, goes deaf."

Spin it

I am sick of watching politicians scare people into endorsing laws that they do not understand. You can spin anything to make it sound bad. For example, there is a substance that:
1. can cause excessive sweating and vomiting.
2. is a major component of acid rain.
3. can cause severe burns in it's gaseous state
4. inhalation can kill you.
5. contributes to erosion
6. has been found in cancerous tumors
Should this substance be outlawed? Of course not - it's water. Too many people do not get all the facts and are easily duped by politicians. We need to get rid of these politicians and vote in some real leaders.

Actual Q and A in Courtrooms

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Funny News

A couple of news stories caught my eye this morning. They're pretty funny, especially the pizza robbery.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080718/ap_on_fe_st/odd_pizza_restaurant_robbery;_ylt=ArHieqKN3YFfRVsphPjmS_0uQE4F

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080718/ap_on_fe_st/odd_snake_washing_machine;_ylt=AjngJOWSR8PPhaT2qfKfsgAuQE4F

Deadly

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!! The man said, You cant be serious. I could never shoot my wife.
The agent said, Then you’re not the right man for this job.
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. I tried, but I cant kill my wife.
He was also sent home.
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.

Baloonist and Fisherman

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican.""I am," replied the man. "How did you know?""Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly you've not been much help to me."The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat.""I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?""Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.

The Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. - During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized." Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub. Then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. Right?""No," said the Director. "A normal person would just pull the plug... Do you want a bed near the window?" - DID YOU PASS THE TEST OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?