My mother-in-law thinks I love ketchup...

I just can't stand her cooking!

Merry Cristmas!

Reasons I voted Democrat:

I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene but the government taxing the same gallon of gas at 15% isn't.

I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.

Because freedom of speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.

Because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my horse.

Because when we pull out of Iraq I trust that the bad guys will stop what they're doing because they now think we're good people.

Because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves.

I believe that people who can't tell us if it will rain on Friday can tell us that the polar ice caps will melt away in ten years if I don't start driving a Prius.

I believe that business should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as THEY see fit.

I believe liberal judges need to rewrite The Constitution every few days when someone cannot get their agendas past the voters.

The hoods are getting too brave...

Well on our way to socialism.

George Bush rolled over for the Demolishcrats - again. All these bailouts are like giving money to a crack addict - the problem is still there. Do they think this is going to fix things? Did we have $350 billion just lying around? No, you just went broke-r today, your kids just went into national bankruptcy, your grandkids will never know anything but vicious taxation. I've always tried to buy "AMERICAN" when I can, but from this day forward I will reconsider having another Big 3 auto in my driveway. I can buy metric, made in America by Americans that work for a reasonable wage and benefits just like I do. We just finished bailing out wallstreet for being greedy, now the auto industry for it's mistakes. If the government would step out and let the marketplace purge and restructure, we could come out of this with a healthy market. If it weren't for government restrictions and unions in the first place, the auto industries might not be in this shape. And here we go.............Congress just voted it's self a raise, Carrolton / Farmers Branch just gave their ousted DRUNK DRIVING leader $100,000 severance and ex NTX Chairman gets a years salary of over $200,000 severance unless he finds a new job in the meantime.
OH WELL! We're BROKE!

This will not end well...

Bought 60 shares of E-Trade for $1.18 a share. My purchases are probably higher risk but hey, that's how money is made.

I'm in!

The market that is. I have been waiting for the bottom so I could start investing. Of course it may not be there yet, but it's all a guess. I bought 33 shares of Ford for $2.64 per share. I'm betting there'll be some more fluctuating but it will go back up. I'm waiting for GE and some others to get lower for now. Wish me luck!

Toilet Swimming

Toilet Dog @ Yahoo! Video

Ninja Stealth Cat

Ninja Cat @ Yahoo! Video

Here is today's extra - Child proof drawer.

The Great Dog Escape

The Great Dog Escape @ Yahoo! Video

Here is today's extra - Woman Trap.

Roomba Driver

Roomba Driver @ Yahoo! Video

Little Thief

This is Simply Amazing

Having a bad day...

Ski season is almost here!

10 Exercises to get you prepared:

10. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

9. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

8. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.

7. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

6. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.

5. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.

4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.

3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!

Today's Excerpts

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.

Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Father: A banker provided by nature.

Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Have a good Thanksgiving!

If Operating Systems were Airlines

UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. They then push again, jump on again, and so on...

Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air
The airport terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Happy Sky

The Next Hotpocket is Mine!

Families Work Together

The garden was empty...

I am so bored.

Joke of the day.

An aggie, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.

She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly.

She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, An Aggie"

The woman then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning she checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. She looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow aggie?"

Religious School

Two 6 year old boys were attending religous school and giving the teachers problems. The teachers had tried everything to make them behave - time outs, notes home, missed recesses - but could do nothing with them. Finally the boys were sent to see the priest.
The first boy went in and sat in a chair across the desk from the priest. The priest asked, "Do you know where God is?" The little boy just sat there.

The priest stood up and asked again, "Son, do you know where God is?" The little boy trembled but said nothing.

The priest leaned across the desk and again asked, "Do you know where God is?"

The little boy bolted out of the chair ran past his friend in the waiting room, all the way home. He got in bed and pulled the covers up over his head. His friend had followed him home asked, "what happened in there?"

The boy replied, "God is missing and they think we did it!"

Your horse

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan. He asks, 'What was that for?'

She replies, 'What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?'

He says, 'Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.'

She is appeased and goes off to work around the house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.

He says, 'What's that for this time?'

She answered, 'Your horse called.'

The Classifieds...

2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Wow, I'll save a bundle!

Today's Q & A

Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.

Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong.

Q: How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowplow?
A: Hand her a shovel.

And to wrap it up:

When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."

A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."

"Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store."

For the Birds

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, “I built a big house for our Mother.” The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.” The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well any more. I sent her a parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”

Soon after, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: “Milton,” she wrote one son, “the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”

“Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn’t what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!”

“Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!”

Cops have tough time finding sober driver for boy

Tue Nov 11, 12:22 am ET
SCHERERVILLE, Ind. – Indiana state police said that after a mother was arrested for drunken driving, the three relatives who came to pick up her 1-year-old son also had all been drinking. A state trooper stopped a minivan for speeding early Saturday on U.S. 30 in Schererville in northwestern Indiana. He arrested the 24-year-old woman on a drunken driving charges.

The boy's father arrived later to pick him up, but officers determined he was intoxicated and also arrested him on a drunken driving charge.

Police said the boy's grandparents then arrived. Both of them also had been drinking, state police said, but the grandmother who was driving was not over the legal limit, so officers escorted them home with the child.

Bugging them

Little Johnny, and his grandfather entered the vacation cabin, and kept the lights off until they were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.

Still, a few fireflies followed them in. Noticing them before his
grandfather did, Little Johnny whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The
mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights...."

Hot Dog

Ugly Teachers...

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, a teacher stopped to gently warn the child. Smiling sweetly the teacher said, "When I was a child, I was told if I made ugly faces I would stay like that."
The student looked up and replied, "Well, you can't say you weren't warned."

Joke of the Day

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

I'm feeling face down today.

President Obama

76 days until the inauguration of Obama as the 44th president of the United States. This is major history being made and a bittersweet moment for me. The fact that we have made such progress as a nation against racism is difinately cause for celibration. However, I am still trying to stomach the issues - and his aquaintances. No one (with some common sense) believes Obama is an actual terrorist. But the fact is that he is not sufficiently repulsed by those who are. It becomes clear in his wish for withdrawal from Iraq without success, his taste for top-level talks with tyrants and his breezy tolerance of Bill Ayers. The fact that he wants to raise taxes and put my 401(k) under government control concerns me. In his claim to have "offered spending cuts above and beyond" the cost of his proposals. Obama is one-upping himself: When he accepted the Democratic nomination, Obama said that he would "pay for every dime" of his new programs with spending cuts. Independent budget experts say that Obama's proposals will increase the already swollen federal deficit substantially. Obama's tax and spending proposals – in the unlikely event that Congress enacted them unchanged – would add anywhere between $262 billion and $316 billion to the federal deficit in 2013, the final year of the next president's first term. We need tax breaks for ALL companies, so that they can free up capital to grow and create jobs, the exact antidote to a sluggish economy. I have a hundred more issues with him, but he will be our next president, so I can only sit back and hope for the best.

Never pass out around this guy's friends

Too funny

Happy Halloween

Free Ride

Scary Cat

Owww

Sneak Attack

Virtual Murder

This is getting ridiculous...

Virtual Theft

I wonder if the Judge plays...

Baptism for the Bride?

Worst Best Man Ever @ Yahoo! Video

Hilarious Compilation

funny @ Yahoo! Video

Brilliant

Truck Tips Other Truck @ Yahoo! Video

Reminds me of our government.

There is an old story of a scientist who studied frogs. One day, the scientist put a frog on the ground and told it to jump. The frog jumped four feet.
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with four feet, jumps four feet."
The scientist continued to cut off each leg, logging "Frog with three feet, jumps three feet.", "Frog with two feet, jumps two feet." and "Frog with one foot, jumps one foot." respectively. Then the scientist cut off his last leg.
"He said, "Jump frog JUMP!"
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with no feet, goes deaf."

Spin it

I am sick of watching politicians scare people into endorsing laws that they do not understand. You can spin anything to make it sound bad. For example, there is a substance that:
1. can cause excessive sweating and vomiting.
2. is a major component of acid rain.
3. can cause severe burns in it's gaseous state
4. inhalation can kill you.
5. contributes to erosion
6. has been found in cancerous tumors
Should this substance be outlawed? Of course not - it's water. Too many people do not get all the facts and are easily duped by politicians. We need to get rid of these politicians and vote in some real leaders.

Actual Q and A in Courtrooms

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Funny News

A couple of news stories caught my eye this morning. They're pretty funny, especially the pizza robbery.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080718/ap_on_fe_st/odd_pizza_restaurant_robbery;_ylt=ArHieqKN3YFfRVsphPjmS_0uQE4F

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080718/ap_on_fe_st/odd_snake_washing_machine;_ylt=AjngJOWSR8PPhaT2qfKfsgAuQE4F

Deadly

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!! The man said, You cant be serious. I could never shoot my wife.
The agent said, Then you’re not the right man for this job.
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. I tried, but I cant kill my wife.
He was also sent home.
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.

Baloonist and Fisherman

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican.""I am," replied the man. "How did you know?""Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly you've not been much help to me."The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat.""I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?""Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.

The Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. - During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized." Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub. Then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. Right?""No," said the Director. "A normal person would just pull the plug... Do you want a bed near the window?" - DID YOU PASS THE TEST OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

Gunning for the Supreme Court

Finally, a ruling that actually interprets the constitution instead of changing it. After the past month of the Supreme Court making law, they finally decided to do what they’re supposed to do; interpret it. It is obvious that the constitution provides for civilians to have the right to own guns. If guns were outlawed, criminals would still have them. They would no longer have to worry about being shot by anyone but police when committing a crime. Taking our guns would just embolden criminals and the crime rate would skyrocket. Of course we still need regulation, but not another prohibition.

Immigration and America

I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. What about the rights of those who were BORN here? God is not some Christian, right wing, political push. Rather, it is a fact that Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. God is part of our culture. We should accept your beliefs, and not question why. All I ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us. We also speak ENGLISH, not Spanish, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. If you want to become part of our society . Learn the language! Immigrants, not Americans, must adapt. We didn't force you to come here. You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU chose.

Drilling

Why is it that so many people think drilling is not the answer to high fuel prices? The US has more proven oil reserves than any other nation. People say we will just be postponing the inevitable. Yea, let's run our economy into the ground so we can hurry and get electric cars. We will be postponing nothing. There are already strong efforts being made to produce alternative, and energy efficient commodities. So why not drill now, lower fuel prices, and save our economy for the time being until we get fuel efficient. I am all for fuel efficiency, but let's save our economy and learn to save fuel.

Global Warming

All this talk about global warming. I don't know whether to laugh or cry when I hear the politicians mention global warming. Global warming is unsubstantiated no matter how you look at it. But suppose it IS true. Here is a fact that IS substantiated. One volcanic eruption produces more pollution than man ever has. Sure we should care for the environment, but we should also be sensible.

Government Handouts

I am sick of all the promises the presidential candidates have been making. All these handout programs need to be stopped. The government needs to stop creating poverty. Welfare and other such programs only offer an incentive to be lazy. Government should provide a program that would offer these people government jobs, according to their skill level. Compensation could be housing and food, and some amount of pay based on work participation. These people need incentives to get somewhere in life, not incentives to rely on handouts.

Our Oh So Great Candidates

As you may have guessed from the picture, I'm not too fond of any of this election's candidates.

John Kerry, taking a stroll with a senior member of Congress meets a little girl carrying a small basket with a blanket over it.

Curious, he says to the girl; "What's in the basket?"
She replies; "New baby kittens" and opens the basket to show him. " How nice" said
Kerry. " What kind are they?"
The little girl says, "Democrats."

Kerry smiles, pats the little girl on the head and continues on. Three weeks later again taking a stroll , he sees the little girl again with the same basket.

Kerry says ; "Watch this, it's very cute". They approach the little girl.

Kerry asks how the kittens are and she says fine. He then says, "What kind of kittens are they?" and she replies, "Republicans."

Somewhat abashed, Kerry says, "Three weeks ago you said they were "Democrats!"

"I know," she says." But now their eyes are open".

Check out this video

http://video.msn.com/video.aspx?mkt=en-US&brand=&vid=c790677e-196b-4f8d-a30d-c44180154000

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. (By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.):
(P = The problem logged by the pilot).
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers).


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud. (Distance Measuring equipment)
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

The Mavericks New Logo

Welcome!

You are among the priveliged few that will experience my extraordinary blog; or something like that. Some of my posts will be intellectual, while others will require a sense of humor. Like my mother used to say "It's not the outside of the cookie that's important" Although I'm not sure why she used to say it.

As I said, some of this may require a sense of humor. If it sounds stupid, it probably is!