Reminds me of our government.

There is an old story of a scientist who studied frogs. One day, the scientist put a frog on the ground and told it to jump. The frog jumped four feet.
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with four feet, jumps four feet."
The scientist continued to cut off each leg, logging "Frog with three feet, jumps three feet.", "Frog with two feet, jumps two feet." and "Frog with one foot, jumps one foot." respectively. Then the scientist cut off his last leg.
"He said, "Jump frog JUMP!"
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with no feet, goes deaf."

Spin it

I am sick of watching politicians scare people into endorsing laws that they do not understand. You can spin anything to make it sound bad. For example, there is a substance that:
1. can cause excessive sweating and vomiting.
2. is a major component of acid rain.
3. can cause severe burns in it's gaseous state
4. inhalation can kill you.
5. contributes to erosion
6. has been found in cancerous tumors
Should this substance be outlawed? Of course not - it's water. Too many people do not get all the facts and are easily duped by politicians. We need to get rid of these politicians and vote in some real leaders.

Actual Q and A in Courtrooms

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Funny News

A couple of news stories caught my eye this morning. They're pretty funny, especially the pizza robbery.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080718/ap_on_fe_st/odd_pizza_restaurant_robbery;_ylt=ArHieqKN3YFfRVsphPjmS_0uQE4F

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080718/ap_on_fe_st/odd_snake_washing_machine;_ylt=AjngJOWSR8PPhaT2qfKfsgAuQE4F

Deadly

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists, two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!! The man said, You cant be serious. I could never shoot my wife.
The agent said, Then you’re not the right man for this job.
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. I tried, but I cant kill my wife.
He was also sent home.
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair.

Baloonist and Fisherman

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican.""I am," replied the man. "How did you know?""Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly you've not been much help to me."The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat.""I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?""Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.

The Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. - During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized." Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub. Then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup. Right?""No," said the Director. "A normal person would just pull the plug... Do you want a bed near the window?" - DID YOU PASS THE TEST OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

Gunning for the Supreme Court

Finally, a ruling that actually interprets the constitution instead of changing it. After the past month of the Supreme Court making law, they finally decided to do what they’re supposed to do; interpret it. It is obvious that the constitution provides for civilians to have the right to own guns. If guns were outlawed, criminals would still have them. They would no longer have to worry about being shot by anyone but police when committing a crime. Taking our guns would just embolden criminals and the crime rate would skyrocket. Of course we still need regulation, but not another prohibition.

Immigration and America

I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. What about the rights of those who were BORN here? God is not some Christian, right wing, political push. Rather, it is a fact that Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. God is part of our culture. We should accept your beliefs, and not question why. All I ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us. We also speak ENGLISH, not Spanish, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. If you want to become part of our society . Learn the language! Immigrants, not Americans, must adapt. We didn't force you to come here. You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU chose.

Drilling

Why is it that so many people think drilling is not the answer to high fuel prices? The US has more proven oil reserves than any other nation. People say we will just be postponing the inevitable. Yea, let's run our economy into the ground so we can hurry and get electric cars. We will be postponing nothing. There are already strong efforts being made to produce alternative, and energy efficient commodities. So why not drill now, lower fuel prices, and save our economy for the time being until we get fuel efficient. I am all for fuel efficiency, but let's save our economy and learn to save fuel.

Global Warming

All this talk about global warming. I don't know whether to laugh or cry when I hear the politicians mention global warming. Global warming is unsubstantiated no matter how you look at it. But suppose it IS true. Here is a fact that IS substantiated. One volcanic eruption produces more pollution than man ever has. Sure we should care for the environment, but we should also be sensible.

Government Handouts

I am sick of all the promises the presidential candidates have been making. All these handout programs need to be stopped. The government needs to stop creating poverty. Welfare and other such programs only offer an incentive to be lazy. Government should provide a program that would offer these people government jobs, according to their skill level. Compensation could be housing and food, and some amount of pay based on work participation. These people need incentives to get somewhere in life, not incentives to rely on handouts.

Our Oh So Great Candidates

As you may have guessed from the picture, I'm not too fond of any of this election's candidates.

John Kerry, taking a stroll with a senior member of Congress meets a little girl carrying a small basket with a blanket over it.

Curious, he says to the girl; "What's in the basket?"
She replies; "New baby kittens" and opens the basket to show him. " How nice" said
Kerry. " What kind are they?"
The little girl says, "Democrats."

Kerry smiles, pats the little girl on the head and continues on. Three weeks later again taking a stroll , he sees the little girl again with the same basket.

Kerry says ; "Watch this, it's very cute". They approach the little girl.

Kerry asks how the kittens are and she says fine. He then says, "What kind of kittens are they?" and she replies, "Republicans."

Somewhat abashed, Kerry says, "Three weeks ago you said they were "Democrats!"

"I know," she says." But now their eyes are open".

Check out this video

http://video.msn.com/video.aspx?mkt=en-US&brand=&vid=c790677e-196b-4f8d-a30d-c44180154000