Showing posts with label definitions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label definitions. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Monday, March 26, 2012
Monday, August 3, 2009
How to be a Democrat
1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
3. You have to believe that guns, in the hands of law-abiding Americans, are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese communists.
4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.
5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.
6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial, but being homosexual is natural.
7. You have to be against capital punishment or hunting, but support abortion on demand.
8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists from Seattle do.
10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
11. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
12. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
13. You have to believe that Malcom X, Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.
14. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.
15. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried, is because the right people haven't been in charge.
16. You have to believe that homosexual parades should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
2. You have to believe that the same teacher who can't teach 4th graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.
3. You have to believe that guns, in the hands of law-abiding Americans, are more of a threat than U.S. nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Chinese communists.
4. You have to believe that there was no art before Federal funding.
5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by yuppies driving SUVs.
6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial, but being homosexual is natural.
7. You have to be against capital punishment or hunting, but support abortion on demand.
8. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.
9. You have to believe that hunters don't care about nature, but loony activists from Seattle do.
10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
11. You have to believe the NRA is bad, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good, because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
12. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
13. You have to believe that Malcom X, Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, General Robert E. Lee or Thomas Edison.
14. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.
15. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried, is because the right people haven't been in charge.
16. You have to believe that homosexual parades should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
Billions
The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of it's releases.
A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.
While this thought is still fresh in our brain, let's take a look at New Orleans. It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.
Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu asked Congress for 250 BILLION DOLLARS to rebuild New Orleans .. Interesting number...
what does it mean?
Well... if you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans(every man, woman, and child)you each get $516,528.
Or... if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787
Or... if you are a family of four, your family gets $2,066,012.
Imagine, now $700 billion bailing out banks in the US. That's enough to fund complete medical care for every man, woman and child currently alive in theUS for 11 years!!
50 billion to bail out the auto industry???
Are all your calculators broken??
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax , Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Propert y Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax upon Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
Income Tax
THINK THIS IS FUNNY???
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago...
and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt...
We had the largest middle class in the world.
What happened?
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of it's releases.
A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.
While this thought is still fresh in our brain, let's take a look at New Orleans. It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.
Louisiana Senator, Mary Landrieu asked Congress for 250 BILLION DOLLARS to rebuild New Orleans .. Interesting number...
what does it mean?
Well... if you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans(every man, woman, and child)you each get $516,528.
Or... if you have one of the 188,251 homes in New Orleans , your home gets $1,329,787
Or... if you are a family of four, your family gets $2,066,012.
Imagine, now $700 billion bailing out banks in the US. That's enough to fund complete medical care for every man, woman and child currently alive in theUS for 11 years!!
50 billion to bail out the auto industry???
Are all your calculators broken??
Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax , Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Propert y Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax upon Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
Income Tax
THINK THIS IS FUNNY???
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago...
and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt...
We had the largest middle class in the world.
What happened?
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Redneck definitions.
Benign......................What you be after you be eight.
Barium......................What you do with dead folks.
Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.
Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her.
Coma........................A punctuation mark.
Dilate......................To live longer than your kids do.
Enema.......................Not a friend.
Fester......................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................A small lie.
Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work.
Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake.
Node........................I knew it.
Outpatient..................A person who has fainted.
Post Operative..............A letter carrier.
Tablet......................A small table to change babies on.
Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the train station.
Tumor.......................More than one.
Varicose....................Near by
Barium......................What you do with dead folks.
Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.
Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her.
Coma........................A punctuation mark.
Dilate......................To live longer than your kids do.
Enema.......................Not a friend.
Fester......................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................A small lie.
Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work.
Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake.
Node........................I knew it.
Outpatient..................A person who has fainted.
Post Operative..............A letter carrier.
Tablet......................A small table to change babies on.
Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the train station.
Tumor.......................More than one.
Varicose....................Near by
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Things my mother taught me....
My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICINE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"
My Mother taught me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me HUMOR..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.
My mother taught me about GENETICS..."You are just like your father!"
My mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE..."When you get to be my age, you will understand."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until your father gets home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING..."You are going to get it when we get home."
And, my all-time favorite - JUSTICE..."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU -- then you'll see what it's like!"
My Mother taught me MEDICINE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"
My Mother taught me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me HUMOR..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.
My mother taught me about GENETICS..."You are just like your father!"
My mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE..."When you get to be my age, you will understand."
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until your father gets home."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING..."You are going to get it when we get home."
And, my all-time favorite - JUSTICE..."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU -- then you'll see what it's like!"
Friday, April 24, 2009
English
Face it, English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
If we examine the paradoxes of english we find that:
Quicksand takes you down slowly.
Boxing rings are square.
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables what does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play, yet play at a recital?
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a house burn up, as it burns down?
Why do you fill in a form by filling it out?
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
If we examine the paradoxes of english we find that:
Quicksand takes you down slowly.
Boxing rings are square.
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables what does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play, yet play at a recital?
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a house burn up, as it burns down?
Why do you fill in a form by filling it out?
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.
Friday, March 13, 2009
I am learning chinese!
It's really pretty easy. Read these out loud and see for yourself!
That's not right.....................Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive?........Hu Yu Hai Ding
Se me ASAP...........................Kum Hia
Small horse..........................Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach?.............Wai Yu So Tan
I hit the coffee table...............Ai Bang Mai Ni
You need a face lift.................Chin Tu Fat
Did you turn out the light?..........Wai So Dim
Aren't you on a diet?................Wai Yu Mun Ching
Tow away zone........................No Pah King
Your too early.......................Wai Yu Kum Nao
Hiding...............................Lei Ying Lo
Cleaning my automobile...............Wa Shin Ka
You need a bath......................Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great................................Su Pah
That's not right.....................Sum Ting Wong
Are you harboring a fugitive?........Hu Yu Hai Ding
Se me ASAP...........................Kum Hia
Small horse..........................Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach?.............Wai Yu So Tan
I hit the coffee table...............Ai Bang Mai Ni
You need a face lift.................Chin Tu Fat
Did you turn out the light?..........Wai So Dim
Aren't you on a diet?................Wai Yu Mun Ching
Tow away zone........................No Pah King
Your too early.......................Wai Yu Kum Nao
Hiding...............................Lei Ying Lo
Cleaning my automobile...............Wa Shin Ka
You need a bath......................Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great................................Su Pah
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
2009 Financial Terms
CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET--A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET--A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no beer.
VALUE INVESTING--The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO--The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER--What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR--Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST--Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT--When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER--A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION--The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO--What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS--What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR--Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT--An archaic word, no longer used.
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET--A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET--A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no beer.
VALUE INVESTING--The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO--The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER--What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR--Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST--Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT--When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER--A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION--The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO--What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS--What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR--Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT--An archaic word, no longer used.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Labels
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (Crap, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???.....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????....)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness..." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (Crap, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???.....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????....)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness..." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Monday, December 1, 2008
Today's Excerpts
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Opportunist: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
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