These people don't seem to recognise a troll.....yahoo answers fail

Don't hate...... :D

I asked my friend's little daughter what she wanted to be when she grows up.

She said she wanted to be President some day.

Both her parents, Liberals, were standing there, so I asked her,"If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all those poor people on benefits." Her parents beamed, and said, "Welcome to the Democratic Party!"

"That's a worthy goal!" I told her, and continued, "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house,mow the lawn, pull weeds, sweep my drive and I'll pay you $25. Then I'll take you over to that homeless person who hangs out in front of the store. You can give him the $25 to use toward food."

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless man come over and do the work himself and you can just pay him the $25?"

I smiled and said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

I have mental issues.....lol

This is the last one for now......I promise.....haha

I should be shot.....

Love, Lobe, whatever haha

This is too fun lol

I have discovered my purpose in life....

I have been having fun on yahoo answers. Too much? Wrong? Insensitive? Cold hearted? Maybe yes to all of the above, but hey, I got a good laugh so....

Hilarious

Disney ruined us....

Say no to drugs.

Communication

Judge Jeffries was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asks, 'What exactly are the grounds for your divorce?'

Amy replied, 'Approximately four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.'

'No,' Judge Jeffries continued, 'I mean what is the foundation of this case?'
'It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,' responded Amy promptly.

'I mean,' he sighed, 'What are your relations like?'
'Ah well, I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents.'

Judge Jeffries asked, 'Do you have a real grudge?'
'No, we haven't,' Amy replied, 'We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.'

'Please,' Judge Jeffries took a deep breath and tried again, 'is there any infidelity in your marriage?'
'Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes,' smiled Amy.

'Ma'am,' Judge Jeffries raised his voice, 'does your husband ever beat you up?'
'Oh yes,' Amy responded, 'about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.'

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, 'Lady, why do you want a divorce?'
'Oh, I don't want a divorce,' Amy replied. 'I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me.'

Failed Inventions

-- The water-proof towel
-- Glow in the dark sunglasses
-- Solar powered flashlights
-- Submarine screen doors
-- A book on how to read
-- Inflatable dart boards
-- A dictionary index
-- Powdered water
-- Pedal-powered wheel chairs
-- Waterproof tea bags
-- Zero proof alcohol
-- Reuseable ice cubes
-- See-through toilet tissue
-- Skinless bananas
-- Turnip ice cream
-- Toe implants
-- Rolls Royce pickup truck
-- Helicopter Ejector Seat

Honesty

My teacher asked what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was a chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders". Guess where I am now...

Letter home...

Dear Ma & Pa,


Am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt & Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.

Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt & Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they git warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc.! .., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food.

But tell Walt & Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different.

A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors & Colonels just ride around & frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt & Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals ! for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting back at you, like the Higgett boys at home.

All you got to do is to lay there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before other fellers get into this setup & come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter, Gail

I'm great at math...

Redneck definitions.

Benign......................What you be after you be eight.
Barium......................What you do with dead folks.
Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.
Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her.
Coma........................A punctuation mark.
Dilate......................To live longer than your kids do.
Enema.......................Not a friend.
Fester......................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................A small lie.
Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work.
Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake.
Node........................I knew it.
Outpatient..................A person who has fainted.
Post Operative..............A letter carrier.
Tablet......................A small table to change babies on.
Terminal Illness............Getting sick at the train station.
Tumor.......................More than one.
Varicose....................Near by

Things my mother taught me....

My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me HUMOR..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

My mother taught me about GENETICS..."You are just like your father!"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE..."When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until your father gets home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING..."You are going to get it when we get home."

And, my all-time favorite - JUSTICE..."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU -- then you'll see what it's like!"

English

Face it, English is a stupid language.

There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

If we examine the paradoxes of english we find that:
Quicksand takes you down slowly.
Boxing rings are square.
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables what does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play, yet play at a recital?
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a house burn up, as it burns down?
Why do you fill in a form by filling it out?

And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.

Poor Tom...